Journey
by B L Lindley Anderson
Summary: Qui-Gon must deal with the effects of Ruka's experiments on him, which have shaken the foundations of all he believes in.


"Journey"

sequel to "The Virus Builders"

by B. L. Lindley-Anderson

Master Qui-Gon was finally warm and comfortable for the first time in…he had lost track of the time. He was bundled up in a bed in the healer's hospital area at the Jedi temple. He wasn't sure how long he had been here. From what Obi-Wan and the healers had told him he understood he had been under the influence of a drug. That's what had caused all the strange delusions and loss of reality that he had experienced. By the time that he had been brought back to Coruscant the drug had already begun losing concentration in his system. Even though he had not been Ruka's prisoner very long, the medication was strongly addictive, so there was a short but painful period of withdrawal as his body had to adjust to not having the drug. Also he had to recover from the fatigue, dehydration and near hypothermia that he'd had. Thankfully he had been sleeping through a lot of his recovery time, so he didn't suffer too much. Today was the best he had felt since being back on Coruscant. He was just glad to be out of the trance the drug had kept him in.

Not being able to tell dream from reality had taken its toll on his psyche. He could recall things that had happened but wasn't sure if they were real events or hallucinations. He felt he had lost part of himself, his life. And it especially bothered him that he couldn't recall if his attempt to kill the Malastarian was real or not. He hoped it was a hallucination. He deeply hoped that he had not been so close to needlessly ending a life. The master had not wanted to talk about this side of what he had been through, but the healers knew the effects of mind-altering drugs and knew that part of his healing would be a healing of his mind and soul. They knew that the only way to come to grips with the memories…or lack thereof…was to face them and talk them through. It was very difficult for the highly stoic and controlled Jedi to admit the rein that his emotions had held over him. Never before had he experienced such raw terror. And knowing that fear leads to the dark side made this an especially concerning experience. Qui-Gon admitted that the fear was induced by things he had no control over, so it was not the same as fear caused by his conscious mind. That knowledge, however, still did not totally drive the uncertainty from him. Qui-Gon wondered if his raw emotions and uncertainty left him vulnerable to the dark side just now. It was a lot easier to effect the physical healing than the psychological healing that accompanied his ordeal.

Qui-Gon would heal physically a lot sooner than psychologically. The healers wanted him to understand that. It would take time to explore his doubts and questions about his relationship to the Force after his experience. There were many issues to be addressed. He needed to understand the difference between what was going on in his conscious mind as opposed to his subconscious mind. Therein would lay to key to alleviate his concerns about being subjected to such strong fear. Since he was newly recovering, the therapy they hoped to engage him in had yet to begin. So, for right now it was still a raw wound, one he was having trouble dealing with. And it had touched him deeper than he had initially realized. The memory of the green creature, who he found out from Obi-Wan was indeed real, directing his actions disturbed him greatly. True he was uncertain how much was real and how much was hallucination. However, the thought of another controlling him was especially hard to deal with. It made him immediately suspicious of people around him. Paranoia was a common side effect of hallucinogens he was told…and was at once suspicious of the information. Qui-Gon had entrusted his life to these healers before and now he didn't trust them. And he couldn't just explain it away either. Even though his rational mind understood what was explained to him, underneath, he just couldn't totally accept it. He was too afraid of being thrown back into that pit of delusion. It was a good thing that right now he needed mostly rest to recover his health. If the healers had tried to administer medication, he probably would have resisted it.

The only trust Qui-Gon could give easily was to his padawan. Their bond was such that it could over come what the Jedi had been through. Also, the fact that Obi-Wan was the person who had rescued him from the clutches of Ruka helped reinforce that trust. The apprentice had not been far from his master's side since their arrival back at Coruscant and his constant presence had a calming effect in the middle of the confusion that Qui-Gon was still trying to sort out. It was hard on Obi-Wan to see the master this way. Always strong, calm, confident…now he was easily frightened, suspicious of every noise…and dependant on Obi-Wan. He was having almost as much trouble dealing with this as Qui-Gon was. The personality change was so far-reaching that Obi-Wan almost felt like a different person was his master. Master. He hardly seemed that now. It seemed as if the two had changed roles, Obi-Wan was now the one encouraging, taking care of, and re-teaching Qui-Gon about the Force.

The healers assured him that Qui-Gon _would_ recover…it would just take time. Healing of the inner man is always the hardest kind of healing they had said. His master was still there, but hidden under the damage the drug had done to his mind. With time and patience and care he would be _almost_ the same man he once was. Almost…almost…he was changed by the experience and part of it he would always carry with him. Obi-Wan had no choice but to believe. He just couldn't imagine Qui-Gon any other way—even seeing him as he was. That was not Qui-Gon. That was only a shell of him. If he could help his master find himself, then he would. He noticed Qui-Gon's eyes fluttering shut as he fell back into sleep and pulled the blanket up around him and sat down to watch and wait.

Methone had indeed told the Jedi council all about Ruka and his experimentations. The council had turned him over to the Galactic Senate for trial and punishment. They also had dispatched Jedi to return to the commune on Malastare. It was totally abandoned. Ruka and his men were long gone. They had left behind their equipment and some few vials of Ruka's experiments, which were promptly destroyed. Currently the Jedi were on a search mission for Ruka and his cronies to bring them to justice. Obi-Wan felt a surge of that old anger rear its ugly head at the thought that that criminal was still loose. He wanted to join the search for him. But he had something more important to attend to right now.

"So Ruka told you to kill the Malastarian?"

"Yes," Qui-Gon replied simply.

Mi'al just watched the Jedi for a moment. His discomfort was so palpable that the Force wasn't needed to feel it. He leaned forward in his chair. "What were you thinking at the time?"

Qui-Gon shook his head, "I don't remember."

"Think carefully. Is it that you don't remember or your don't want to remember?"

He fought to keep the frustration down at the question. Qui-Gon was having to learn all over again how to control his emotions. That frustrated him also. How long had he been a Jedi master? And now he felt as if he were being treated as an initiate. "I…think…" hesitation filled him as he wondered how much he felt comfortable sharing with Mi'al. Yes, he understood what the healer was trying to do…understood it had to be done to help him come to grips with what he'd been through…but his distrust was still so strong, especially toward medical types. That's what Ruka was…using his medical abilities to try to control people, to hurt people.

"Master Qui-Gon," Mi'al prompted.

"Uh, I remember there was something telling me that this wasn't right. I shouldn't do it."

"Good," Mi'al nodded. Ruka had had to work to overcome Qui-Gon's moral sense. Qui-Gon had not given in immediately. That was good. "What happened next?"

Images formed in the Jedi's head of the big green hairy shapeless creature and the helpless Malastarian pleading. Memories of the moment flooded him. _No, no. It's not right. Don't do it. No, don't remind me of the monsters. You said you'd take care of me. I can't do this._ His inner struggle was only too fresh in his mind, so intense had it been. How could he tell the healer he was afraid of the monsters? Qui-Gon leaped from the chair and walked to a window to look out. How could anyone know what he'd been through? How could they understand? It all sounded like a child's nightmare…no wonder they were treating him as a child.

Mi'al came to stand by Qui-Gon. "I know this must be difficult for you."

"How can you know?" Qui-Gon whirled round toward the healer. Then he got hold of his anger, more softly he said, "You don't know what it was like. You can't."

"I didn't say I did," Mi'al's reply was almost a whisper. " I said it must be difficult. I can see how you struggle with it. My biggest concern is getting you to see that what you did under the influence of that drug is not really you. This creature was able to get you to do things you wouldn't do if you were clear headed. You need to understand that. I think that you worry that what you did while drugged is what you would be like without controls. That's not true. This drug didn't just lift your inhibitions; it made you highly suggestive to the Klastarian. The only thing I can think of to compare it to—and it's a crude comparison—is a person under hypnosis. You've seen entertainers make people get on all fours and crawl around like an animal and such. They are doing what they are _told _to do…by someone they trust. If they didn't trust the hypnotist they wouldn't submit to him. But the principal about doing what you are told by the controller is the same. I have a feeling that the Klastarian must have done something to make you trust him. You did what he wanted because he did something to make you feel better. Is that right?"

"No!" Qui-Gon burst out and walked away from the window. "I didn't obey him because I trusted him. I was…" he didn't want to admit it, but the time had come to, "afraid of …him." He still couldn't admit the creatures that he saw.

"That's an even stronger control—fear instead of trust." Mi'al turned to follow Qui-Gon across the room. His head was hanging and his broad shoulders were slumped. Mi'al could sense the conflicting emotions. As a counselor, he wouldn't invade one's thoughts, but he would just touch one's consciousness to sense their level of discomfort. It was important to know when to back off. And that point had come. He gently put a hand on the Jedi's shoulder, and Qui-Gon quickly pulled away. Then he turned and without looking at the healer mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"It's Ok. I think we have gone as far with this as we should for today. You have a lot to think about. Why don't you go get some rest?"

The Jedi master turned without a word and silently left to return to his quarters. Mi'al sighed deeply and turned to the comm panel. "I need to speak with Master Yoda."

After a moment a familiar voice came through. "Mi'al, news you have?"

"Yes, Master. This is a difficult case. It will take time to resolve this."

Yoda answered sadly, "Too bad this is. Mighty Jedi was he."

"He still is, Master. Qui-Gon is almost without emotion, so in control of his feelings he was before this. He isn't used to dealing with such intense feelings."

"Yes," Yoda admitted. "The business with Xanatos his downfall was. Thus began the hiding of his emotions and his hesitation to trust."

"This has inflamed both of those. He doesn't have confidence in me. Because I helped nurse him back to health he wants to trust me…but also I think he is suspicious of me because the Klastarian has twice afflicted him with medical technology. I can help him if he will but trust me. I don't know how long it will take to build that assurance."

"Hmmm," Yoda muttered. "Think you his padawan can help him?"

"The only person he believes in right now is Obi-Wan. I can work with Obi-Wan…give him some lessons in counseling. I still think it will require a fully-trained guide to bring about complete healing, but I think Obi-Wan can get him to the point of being able to trust again."

"Then work with Obi-Wan you will. Too valuable Qui-Gon is…and too much a friend."

Qui-Gon was lying on the couch in his quarters relaxing and thinking. He was puzzled by Mi'al cutting back their therapy sessions so drastically. Not that he really minded. He knew that it was necessary…but it was difficult too. How could he verbalize what he had seen and felt? They would think he was losing his mind if he told them all that he remembered. But, not all of it was real…some of it was hallucination. Surely they would realize the more strange parts were hallucinations, wouldn't they? He sighed deeply. Was this going to cost him his standing as a Jedi? Would the council keep a knight who was in the state he was in? Hadn't it already resulted in that? Here he was—no assignments. Not being trusted enough to be given a mission. In frustration he pushed himself from the couch and went to stare out the window.

Life went on here on Coruscant. The traffic was just as snarled in the sky. People scurried along at breakneck speed. Transports were falling into the traffic pattern to land at the spaceport. Life hummed along as before…except here in this room. Qui-Gon struggled against the depression he could fill rising in him. A Jedi is not this he told himself. _You must learn to govern your passions. That is what a Jedi is. Has Ruka robbed me of all that I am? NO! I can't let him get away with that! I can't let him take away what I have worked so hard for._ The feelings were not anger, but a desperation to overcome the weak man he now saw himself as.

The door chime sounded. Qui-Gon did not turn from the window but merely called out, "Come in." He did not even turn to see who entered.

"Master," Obi-Wan said quietly.

At the sound of the familiar voice, the Jedi turned and almost smiled. "Obi-Wan, I'm glad you came by. Have a seat. What brings you?" He sat on the couch opposite the chair the apprentice had taken.

"I haven't seen you or heard from you. I was getting concerned." His face showed it too.

Qui-Gon hesitated to answer. The truth was that as much as he wanted to trust his padawan, he found even that assurance slipping as he began to separate himself more and more from others. However, to the apprentice he merely said, "I haven't much reason to go out. I have no assignment. I am still on medical leave." The words were not said in defeat, just very matter-of-fact.

"I realize that, but you can't just sit in here and do nothing until you are cleared."

"Until I am cleared? You have more confidence than I do." Now the defeat began to creep into his tone.

Obi-Wan had wanted to see his master, but he had another motive in coming. He had met with Mi'al a couple of times and they had come up with an approach for the apprentice to try to help Qui-Gon through this crisis…and Qui-Gon had just opened the door.

"Master," Obi-Wan's voice was almost a whisper. "Can I ask you a question?"

Qui-Gon eyed him, wondering at his tone, "Certainly," his words said, but his voice was more hesitant.

Obi-Wan rested his arms on his knees and leaned forward. "What do you remember about what happened on Malastare?"

A sigh escaped as Qui-Gon dropped his head. "Too much…and not enough."

"Please talk to me. Don't shut me out."

Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan. The plea was etched in his face. He could sense the air of hopefulness and concern from the apprentice. He really wanted to help. And Qui-Gon could use someone to talk to…someone he could confide in. Did he trust Obi-Wan enough? Images passed through his mind…an angry thirteen-year old desperately wanting to be a padawan, later the padawan standing side-by-side with him in furious battles…and then a vision of a dark haired, dark eyed young man. The one who had betrayed him…Xanatos, his padawan before Obi-Wan. That memory almost wiped out what trust he still had for Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon shook the nightmare from his head and stood to pace the room a couple of times as he tried to hang on to the assurance he felt about Obi-Wan. It was all he had. He remembered those years he had gone without a padawan after Xanatos' betrayal. Those years of facing the dark side alone. He had been able to do it…but it was with more certainty that he faced it once he had taken Obi-Wan as an apprentice. He didn't want to go back to being alone. No man is an island he'd heard it said.

The Jedi master came back and sat down on the edge of the sofa. He folded his big hands together and watched himself rub his hands against each other. Finally he looked up, into the expectant face across from him. "Obi-Wan, I know this isn't going to make any sense. And that's my biggest problem with it…that I can't make any sense of it. I can't separate reality from hallucination. It's all one big memory with no divisions. I want to tell someone, but it sounds so crazy that I'm afraid that Mi'al will think I'm crazy if I tell him."

"Master, if I can help, I want to. I don't care what it sounds like. I know that you were hallucinating sometimes. Please tell me. Mi'al says you won't get over it if you don't face it. Let's face this together, just as we have faced other battles together." Obi-Wan saw his master visibly relax and he hoped that was a good sign.

Qui-Gon was still struggling with how much confidence he had in the apprentice. So, he began describing one of the less intense and more pleasant images he had seen…the floating notes. Obi-Wan listened intently and watched his master's face as he described the vision with a sense of wonder. He could feel what Qui-Gon felt also. He could feel how real it was to the Jedi. It was clear to the padawan how much Qui-Gon had enjoyed the experience…and that he wasn't entirely sure it didn't happen in reality. He said nothing until the Jedi grew quiet.

"That sounds like a beautiful sight, Master," he said in sincerity. "But you know it didn't really happen, right? You know that you can't see music in the air like that, right?" concern tinged his voice.

Qui-Gon sighed and slid back on the couch. "That's the whole problem, Obi-Wan. I can sit here and say that, but when I remember…it seems so real." His eyes glazed over as the memory took over, "I…I could see the notes and how they moved through the air. How they floated to the ground and piled up…like leaves falling from a tree," his hands described the motion as they passed back and forth in front of Qui-Gon's face. Then he suddenly came to himself and his face reddened. "I know it can't really happen that way…but it seemed so _real_!" He locked eyes with Obi-Wan and resolutely said, "That's what I am fighting."

Obi-Wan considered before he answered. "I can't imagine what that must feel like. But I can see in you how real the vision is to you." He looked away as he asked no one in particular, "How do you fight that?"

"How do you tell a trained and disciplined mind that what it is seeing and experiencing isn't real?" Qui-Gon added his own question.

An idea occurred to the padawan, "Can you know through the Force? If the Force can help you see things that are occurring…just as the events are actually taking place, can it help you see something that has already happened—as it really happened?"

"But I know this didn't really happen."

"Yes, but as you said it seems real. Can the Force help you see yourself back on Malastare, thinking clearly one minute and then coming under a hallucination the next minute? Then you would _know_ what was real and what was imagined for things like…well, like the event with Methone," he said vaguely, knowing how much the memory pained his master.

"I…I…don't know. I've never tried that...never had reason to." He became thoughtful. "We'd better be sure before we try something like that. I have enough confusion as it is. If this won't work that way, then I don't want to subject myself to something that might make things worse for me."

"I'll go to the temple and ask Yoda and Mi'al about it," Obi-Wan jumped up, his voice filled with hope

"Wise your idea is, Obi-Wan," Yoda said. "Learned much of the ways of the Force you have."

"I wish I could agree with you, Master Yoda," the apprentice said humbly. "It was just a guess."

"But following your instincts you were. Led by the Force you were. Mi'al, what say you?"

"Well, I've never tried looking backwards with the Force, but I don't see why it wouldn't work. It seems consistent with what we know about the Force. I think this should be closely monitored though. Since Qui-Gon is confused, then he needs to be guided through this. His psyche is too fragile right now to risk making a mistake. We need to be sure his understanding of what he sees is clear to him. Master Yoda, I need an assistant strong in the Force to help me. Will you aid me?"

"Yes," he replied simply.

Qui-Gon shifted nervously on the sofa. He was uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his visitors. Yoda and Mi'al had accompanied Obi-Wan back to the Jedi's quarters. They decided that the most familiar surroundings to Qui-Gon should be used so he would be as relaxed as possible. Yoda had confirmed for the master that what Obi-Wan had suggested should work. Then Mi'al explained the procedure he had decided on. In total silence Qui-Gon listened to all that was said. This was happening too fast for him. He was too uncertain…too unable to trust.

The three could all sense the level of discomfort in the Jedi. As Obi-Wan stepped forward to talk to him, Yoda began to send comfort to Qui-Gon through the Force. "Master," he said quietly. "I know…or at least can sense…how insecure you feel about this. But if it works, isn't it worth taking a chance?"

"Yes, Obi-Wan, it is. I can't explain everything that's going on in me. I want to do this…but…"

"Master, we only want to help. I wouldn't ask you to submit yourself to someone you couldn't trust. That's what it is, right? You're afraid to trust them?"

"I'm afraid to trust my mind to anyone else. Look what happened to me last time someone started playing with my mind."

"I won't ask you to do this if you don't want to. I don't know what else to do to help you though."

Finally, the comfort that Yoda and Mi'al were emitting began to make its way through the layers and layers of protection the Jedi had set up since he had been brought back to Coruscant. He actually began to relax…just a bit, but it was there. He leaned back and closed his eyes, to think, to focus, to try to trust. His padawan joined the other two in trying to comfort his master. And it was working. The combined effort of the three was helping Qui-Gon to reach outside the walls he had built. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes and said simply, "I'm ready."

Yoda and Mi'al had moved to the side of the room, out of Qui-Gon's sight, so as not to be a distraction. Qui-Gon was lying down on the sofa, eyes closed and taking deep breaths to relax himself. Obi-Wan had moved a chair adjacent to where his master lay and was ready to lead Qui-Gon through the steps that Mi'al had outlined for him earlier.

"You know what we are hoping to accomplish, Master. You proceed in the way you are comfortable with and we are just here to help. I'm right here beside you if you need me." Obi-Wan grasped his master's hand.

Qui-Gon reached out to the Force. He lingered a moment to take advantage of the strength and well being it offered him. Then, hesitant to tinker with something that disturbed him so, but anxious to get this over with, he started searching through the Force. There were floating in the Force images of events happening now, and images forming of things yet to pass. Also, there were etched in the Force, as in stone, images of events that had already happened. These didn't shift and change. They had already happened and were set like concrete. It was like walking through a museum, seeing events he had heard of but not seen. And then he began to see pictures of things he remembered well. He'd reached his hall of memories. He stopped and was aware that he was sweating a cold sweat and his breathing was rapid and shallow. He was about to face his demons.

Qui-Gon reviewed the memories, smiling at some and shrinking from others. Pleasant, happy times. Then he glimpsed a dark memory…a dark young man with a dark past. Xanatos! The bitter memory was almost too much for the Jedi and he began to retreat—pulling away from the Force and back to the present. Yoda could sense what was happening, could see what Qui-Gon saw. Mi'al and Obi-Wan could as well. The three worked quickly to intervene. First they sent calming thoughts to the Jedi and then they directed him away from the cruel remembrance. The efforts of the combined Jedi paid off as they could sense Qui-Gon begin to relax. Obi-Wan spoke softly at Mi'al's direction. "It's all right, Master. We are here. We won't leave you to face this on your own. You need to find the memories of Malastare. Let's leave this and find what happened on Malastare." He felt Qui-Gon's strong squeeze to his hand.

Qui-Gon moved on, searching through the images frozen in time, like snapshots. It was like reliving his life. He wanted to stop and examine closer some of the memories but felt the padawan urging him on. He told himself that maybe it was true that some of the memories he really wanted to relive, but also recognized that he was stalling because he was still reluctant to revisit the ill treatment Ruka had subjected him to. There was the strong, clear support of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mi'al, however, urging him on and standing with him.

Just ahead Qui-Gon could begin to make out an image of Methone. An image of him standing on a loading dock. This was the beginning of the nightmare…for just after this, as he was eavesdropping on the conversation between Methone and Ruka, is where a Klastarian had injected him with something that had put him unconscious…and the ordeal had begun. He stopped where he was and fear filled him as he recalled the dark creatures that had visited him. The other Jedi could sense and see what was going on. Yoda knew that they were close to a breakthrough and exerted himself even more through the Force as he attempted to calm Qui-Gon. He signaled Obi-Wan and the apprentice began to speak soothingly to his master. "Master, we're here. We won't leave you. We will face this with you. You must go ahead, " he gently urged. By now Qui-Gon had a death grip on the padawan's hand. Obi-Wan held on and added his other hand as he tried to calm and implore the Jedi.

Qui-Gon could see the three Jedi there with him in the Force. He could feel their calming presence. Turning back to the memory that would be the gateway to his journey, he took a deep breath and went ahead. It was as if he were watching a movie. He saw the memories pass by him…he was an outsider now, watching himself live each event. But he also had the images that were rooted in his mind and could feel the emotions left by the experiences. He saw himself fall to the ground after the Klastarian had injected him. He could see now what had happened after he lost consciousness. Ruka and Methone had come out at the bidding of the Klastarian to see who he had caught listening to them. He heard them debating what to do with him. He felt his blood run cold as Ruka suggested using him as a test subject for his medical experiments. He also felt a hard squeeze to his hand and saw Obi-Wan standing with him.

He moved deeper into the remembrance—Ruka injecting him with the hallucinogen and his recitation to Methone of what the drug would do. Oh, how well it had accomplished what he bragged it would Qui-Gon thought bitterly. He could see himself lying, bound to the bed. He remembered when he awoke the first time…the white cloud that danced over him as it filled the air with wonderful music. His heart soared at the memory. Oh how beautiful the music was from the iridescent vapor and then it had begun to change. It darkened and solidified and became the hideous red-black face that hung over him, blood dripping from its fangs. Then it dove at him, mouth wide and fangs gleaming.

Qui-Gon sprang up on the couch. He was bathed in sweat and his breathing was short huffs and puffs. He buried his head in his hands as he tried to drive the nightmare out of his mind. Obi-Wan sat next to him and put his arm around the damp shoulders. "It's Ok, Master. It's Ok. We are here. It wasn't real. It was just a hallucination caused by the drug. It wasn't real. Can you see that? It wasn't really happening. You were lying on the bed but there was nothing in the room with you. It was in your mind."

Qui-Gon said nothing. He was still struggling with what had just happened. It was as Obi-Wan said. In spite of the vivid recall of the vision, the Jedi had been able to see that he was alone in the room when it happened. There was no real creature there. There was only him…bound to the bed and yelling in terror. But it seemed so real. It was so real. He could still feel the breath of the thing.

Mi'al and Yoda were fascinated by what they had witnessed, but they put that aside and worked to calm Qui-Gon. Now they understood what he…and they…were fighting against. Images so real that the Jedi couldn't decide where they left off and reality began. They had heard the words, but now they had experienced it for themselves. They had much to talk over…but later. Just now their single most important task was to help Qui-Gon recover from the episode.

Obi-Wan took it on himself to do what he thought would help the most. He didn't bother to inquire of the healer or the Jedi master. They were working to calm Qui-Gon. The apprentice thought it important to get Qui-Gon back to the here and now and get the nightmare out of his head. He tried to get Qui-Gon to open his eyes and look at him. "Master, Master. Talk to me. It's over. You're not on Malastare anymore. You're here on Coruscant. Here in your own room. Look around. It's over. It was a memory."

The efforts of Yoda and Mi'al were working for the Jedi and his breathing began to slow. He opened his eyes and looked at the apprentice. Obi-Wan was shocked at the vacant haggard look that he got. "Master, you know it didn't really happen, don't you? It wasn't real. It wasn't."

Qui-Gon licked his parched lips and finally spoke. "It was there in my mind, but it wasn't in the room. I couldn't see it in the room. But it seemed so real."

Now it was time for Mi'al to take over. "Qui-Gon, you must think on this. You must deal in what is real, not on what you remember. I told you before that understanding the difference between what you perceive—through the drug—and what really happened would be the key to recovering from this. You have seen what was real. There was no creature in the room with you. You were alone. Alone. That's what really happened. That's what you have to focus on. When you remember this, remember first that you were alone. Train yourself to remember it that way. You were alone. Then the drug caused you to have a hallucination. The hallucination seemed real. We all felt how real, how terrible it was. But it was only a hallucination. It was not real. Can you accept that?"

The Jedi rose from the couch and walked around the room. He needed to be away from what everyone was telling him to think and remember. He needed to decide for himself what had happened. That's the only way he could accept anything…to reason it out for himself, to think for himself. He could no longer accept what someone else told him. He turned and said slowly and hesitatingly, "Please…leave. I…I need to be alone. I need to…think about this."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Master Qui-Gon," Mi'al interjected. "I know you want time to think this over. But right now you are at a weak point. I think we should stay with you for awhile longer."

"No," Qui-Gon said more firmly. "No. I've done all you wanted me to do. I've listened to everything you told me. You wanted me to trust you and I did. Now I've got to work this out for myself. I can't…believe what you say…just because you tell me I should."

"But, you're still in a very confused state and…"

"That's right," Qui-Gon interrupted. "I need to be alone, without all you in my head. Please leave." He walked to the door and pressed the button to open it.

Yoda led the way, Mi'al hesitated but followed. Obi-Wan sought out his master's face but Qui-Gon wouldn't look. Slowly he walked to the door. "Master," he began.

"Please, Obi-Wan," was all Master Qui-Gon would say.

Qui-Gon had spent the night curled up in a chair next to the window. He watched the non-stop traffic of the city-planet of Coruscant. So many people that business never stopped but merely ran in shifts. So much light that he couldn't see the stars. There was no place to go on the planet to see them because of the light pollution. It had been so long since he had seen the twinkling lights in the sky. There was a sudden desire to go to some sparsely populated planet and sleep under the stars. To watch their dance in the sky as the night melted away. Oh, for the less complicated times of life.

He had not moved since he had slumped into the chair after Obi-Wan and the others had left. The memories swirled through his befuddled mind. He had been given the chance to relive a painful part of his life thanks to the Force. The source that he had spent so much time learning about—how to access it, how to direct it, how to use its power. He had not known it could be used in this way but it made sense that if it could direct one's thoughts, it could enhance one's memories. And what a memory…one that did not need enhancing. The part of the whole experience that stuck with him the strongest was the difference between what he remembered versus seeing what had actually happened. No grotesque creature in the room with him. It wasn't there. No matter how vivid the recollection was, the fact was there was no one in the room but him, bound to the bed and writhing through the ordeal. All night he had rerun this through his mind. Again and again he relived seeing himself lying there—alone, nothing floating over the bed. The lights of the city had been his solitary company as he tried to decide what this meant and what he now believed. The whole recall process had fatigued him but he wouldn't let himself go to sleep until he worked through this. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, he lost the battle and fell into a deep sleep.

The door chime brought the Jedi to wakefulness. He was still groggy, having not gotten enough sleep. Stumbling to the door, he pressed a button and the door slid open. A very worried looking padawan was standing in the hallway. At the haggard appearance of his master, the frown at his lips pulled the corners even further down. "Master." It was more a question than a greeting.

"Come in, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon turned and made his way to a chair. He slumped into it and drew his long legs up under him.

"Did you manage any sleep?"

"A little."

An awkward silence passed. Finally Obi-Wan asked, "Are you all right?"

"That's the question of the hour, isn't it?

"And the answer is…"

"It's a strange feeling to recall something so strongly and be shown it isn't true. Now, instead of not trusting others, I feel like I can't trust me."

"But it's not a question of that at all. The real struggle seems like it would be to realize that it was the drug that caused what you remember so strongly."

"Yes. And I'm working to that, I think. It's just such a shock to realize that what seems as real as this conversation we are having…isn't real at all." Qui-Gon sat up in the chair and rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward. "It's not that I can't believe now that it didn't happen. But now I've got to figure out what really did happen to me on Malastare. I'm afraid to trust anything I remember about it." He leaned back as a new thought occurred to him. "How do I know when this stopped? How do I know when to start trusting my memories again?" He locked eyes with the padawan. "How do I know I'm not still hallucinating?"

Obi-Wan started to answer that question but realized that his words would probably do little to alleviate his master's fears. This too was something he was going to have to come to decide on his own understanding. This is where Mi'al would probably have to take over. The apprentice knew he was in over his head. He didn't know what to say, except the obvious. "Mi'al knows that the drug is not longer in your system. When I first brought you to him, he took a blood sample to see what was in your body. For his own education about how the drug worked, he took regular blood samples to see what the concentration of the hallucinogen was in your blood. He knows it is no longer there."

"A sound scientific answer, Obi-Wan, but none of this has been about scientific explanation for me. I think you know that. This is a matter of psychology. And for all the explanations you give me, I can reach into my mind and find a recollection that will defy what you tell me. You tell me there's no drug in my system. I tell you that I don't know when it quit working. My memories and the hallucinations are one and the same. There is no end I can point to and say—yes, that's when I know it quit working." He stood and walked again to the window. The window was his favorite place now. It reminded him there was a world beyond him and his internal struggle. It forced him to get outside himself. Yes, maybe there was a reason to go out. "I've lost myself, Obi-Wan and I don't know how to deal with it."

Obi-Wan placed a communication to the Jedi temple. He was looking for his master. He had not talked to him since yesterday morning and the padawan was still concerned about Qui-Gon's confused state of mind. Today when he went by to check on him, Qui-Gon's quarters were empty. The first place Obi-Wan thought to check was the Jedi temple, thinking maybe Qui-Gon had gone there to speak to Mi'al. But each check he initiated turned up no Qui-Gon. From the Jedi council to the receptionist at the entrance to the temple, no one had seen the Jedi master that morning.

It was about midmorning when it occurred to the apprentice that maybe his master had left Coruscant. He had expressed a desire yesterday to get away. Checking with the docking bay he found out that Qui-Gon had indeed signed out a small transport and left early in the morning. He quickly obtained permission to leave himself and as a ship was readied for him, he tried to decide where Qui-Gon would have gone. Closing his eyes and stretching out the Force, the answer hit him like a bolt out of the blue. "Of course," he whispered.

Obi-Wan was nearing the planet and initiated a call to the spaceport for permission to land. Soon his ship was on the ground and he was exiting down the ramp. A stout light orange colored creature approached. "Welcome to Malastare, sir."

Obi-Wan had leased a land transport vehicle near the spaceport and headed into the city…and beyond. The commune. The place where Qui-Gon had lost himself; he had returned to find what was lost.

The apprentice approached the commune slowly. This was a quest that he realized that Qui-Gon had to complete alone, but he wanted to make sure that help was nearby if it was needed. He abandoned the vehicle while still some distance away and crossed the remaining distance on foot. He also knew that his master was tired of others pushing him toward the resolution—their intentions were the best, but it was too much too fast for Qui-Gon. This was another reason that Obi-Wan was trying to keep a low profile.

He decided the first place to look should be the place where Qui-Gon was held, but he didn't know where that had been. So he sought out the Force and the familiar presence of his master. Soon he was creeping up to a large building—with a broken out window. He slipped up to the window and peered in.

Qui-Gon was standing next to a bed, staring down at it. He stood that way for a couple of minutes. Then gingerly, as if he were afraid of it, he lay down on the bed. He wasn't relaxed, Obi-Wan could see that even from where he was, and he could feel it as well. A couple minutes longer and the Jedi closed his eyes. Obi-Wan could see the picture forming in Qui-Gon's mind. The memory of the evil dark face. Immediately Qui-Gon's body stiffened and the apprentice could feel the terror that filled the air. How could he help without making his presence known? If he tried to send calming thoughts, would Qui-Gon know where they were coming from?

Then he could hear a hoarse whisper. "It's not real…it's not real. It didn't happen. It was only a hallucination. An invention of the mind. It's not really there. It isn't, it isn't!" Qui-Gon's eyes snapped open and he rolled to a sitting position on the bed. Obi-Wan could feel the confusion. As much as Qui-Gon wanted to accept it, as much as his rational mind told him the truth…something deep within…basic human fear and desire to survive…wanted nothing more than to flee. But there was a stubborn resolve there too; Obi-Wan was aware of it. There was a determination to face the fear.

_Fear is not what a Jedi is. Fear leads to the dark side. I am a Jedi. Ruka, his concoction, his machinations can not change what I am. He tried. He has almost succeeded. I can't let that happen. The dark can not envelop the light. That's what the Jedi are about. It's time to face the fear. It's time to be a Jedi and use the Jedi way to overcome this. I will relive this again and again until the fear is gone if that's what it takes. If I can't separate memory from reality then I will let it all be reality and I will face it. I can't fear vision or reality. I don't understand how the mind works and how this drug caused this to happen. I don't understand how that can steal a man's life and his strength. But I can't let it continue. I either have to face it or leave the Jedi order. I haven't spent my entire life training and serving to turn my back on it now._

In spite of the dire circumstances, a smile crept onto Obi-Wan's face. The strength that he knew was there inside Qui-Gon was beginning to surface now. He felt more confident of his master's ability to over come this now. He continued to watch and wait.

Qui-Gon wiped the sweat from his brow and lay back on the bed. He closed his eyes and sought out the memory. It came easily enough. That was too intense to easily forget. Immediately the ghastly red-black face hung over him once more. The same red eyes, the bloody fangs. The leering, gaping maw. Obi-Wan could see his master's body tense and sweat pop out on his forehead again. And he could sense what was going on in Qui-Gon's mind.

_No. It's not real. It's only a memory. It's not flesh and blood. A drug induced nightmare. It's a hallucination. _Then the head dove toward Qui-Gon, fangs bared. _ NO! It can't hurt me! It's not real! It's not real!_ He was trembling from head to toe, sweat ran off his face in rivulets, and he had a death grip on the mattress…but he didn't move from his prone position. He stood his ground…and the nightmare dissolved…as it had when it originally happened. Yes, the original vision had disappeared just at that same point. The hallucination had never continued beyond that point. The evil image had never harmed him.

Qui-Gon slowly opened his eyes and rose to a sitting position. Like a light turning on, it was all illuminated for him. Since his return to Coruscant he hadn't followed the vision to the end because of the great terror that always accompanied it. Now that he had, he understood completely for the first time that it wasn't real. No matter how corporeal, how solid, how detailed the image was…no matter how much he imagined he could feel its hate and its breath…it was not real. It disappeared in a wisp of darkness and was gone—like a nightmare when you open your eyes. Relief flooded him and he let out a short laugh. What he had been so afraid of was gone so suddenly. Not just the nightmare, but the feeling that he couldn't tell the difference between the hallucinations and reality. Now he knew—he _knew_ that the evil image was a hallucination. He _knew_ what was reality and what was drug induced. A weight lifted from him and hope flooded him. He could over come this. He had found himself.

Obi-Wan could no longer hide himself. He could feel the relief and joy that swept over his master and he couldn't contain his happiness. Suddenly he leapt through the empty window frame. Qui-Gon's reactions had not been slowed by his ordeal. At the first sound from the window, he had freed his light saber from his belt and ignited it. The cautious frown that had etched into his face as he had set himself for battle broke into a grin at the surprised look on his padawan's face. In total seriousness he rebuked the apprentice. "You should never surprise a person in that manner, especially an armed one. They might attack first and ask questions later."

Obi-Wan hung his head as he realized the thoughtlessness of his action. "You are right, Master. I'm sorry for startling you…and for disappointing you." Then he raised his head, revealing his twinkling eyes. "You faced it and you won!"

Qui-Gon returned the light saber to his belt. He wasn't finished with the padawan, but he couldn't hold back what he felt at conquering the demon he had been trying to face down. "Yes, Obi-Wan," he allowed a grin to pull up the corners of his moustache. "I faced it. I finally faced it. I found myself." He grasped his apprentice's arm and shoulder with his big hands and gave them a strong squeeze. "I found myself."

Mi'al listened intently as Qui-Gon related the story of his visit to Malastare and the ensuing events. It was good news indeed that the Jedi had finally found a reference point from which he was able to begin to separate memory from reality. However, he also knew that was just the first step of what could still be a lengthy recovery. And he had to make sure Qui-Gon understood that as well.

"This is most promising. I'm not sure I agree with your method, however, it seems to have worked. Please, next time you get such an idea, do not pursue it alone. You could cause yourself more harm than good. I know you felt that you needed to pursue this alone. And I can understand why. You didn't trust anyone…especially when it came to 'playing with your mind' as you put it. However, as you have pointed out, you don't understand all the workings of the mind. I have been trained in that and the human mind can be a fragile thing. So, please don't try to do this on your own. You have a lot of resources here to avail yourself of. You need not fight this alone. That's why I am here…to help you."

"I know, Mi'al. I'm sorry I wasn't able to trust you. I guess another thing that was hindering me was…" he hesitated, searching for the words, "I guess it was my pride. I couldn't accept that I had been turned into a frightened coward, shrinking from shadows and noises."

"You needn't be ashamed of that. A Jedi is trained to trust his feelings. You rely a lot on your senses. And that was one of the avenues of attack for this drug. You had such intense fear and your instinct is to listen to what your feelings tell you. How could you ignore what you so strongly perceived? No, don't be embarrassed that your feelings betrayed you. Know that you were merely being true to your training."

Qui-Gon considered the words quietly. Mi'al gave him a moment as he considered their conversation…encouragement, a rebuke, assurance. Now he needed to add the warning that this wasn't the end but just the beginning.

"Master Qui-Gon you have reached a milestone in your recovery. However, I caution you, it is not over. On the contrary, you have just made the first step on the road to recovery. There is still a lot you have to consider and face. I don't mean this as discouragement. This is more reality."

The Jedi master leaned forward, concern etched in his face. "What more is there?"

"You have only faced one of the hallucinations that bothered you so much. How many others are there? You have only figured out the unreality of one of them. Have you learned to trust your memory yet? There's still a lot of mixing of visions and reality. You've got all that to deal with. There's the damage to your inner self that this has done. A potential for a lot of anger and bitterness…not just at the Klastarian, but at anyone you perceive may have contributed to this. The Malastarians, Obi-Wan…"

"Obi-Wan?" he interrupted. "He is the one who got me out of that commune. There's no reason for anger."

"As I said, you still have a lot to work through. Your feelings are still uncertain to you. And this is about you—your perceptions, your feelings. You may find that some little thing may cause undue reaction. I'm not saying that things will work out this way. I just point it out as a possibility. I'm trying to prepare you for what you may have to face. That is what you wanted to know." Mi'al paused a moment for all that to sink in. Then he brought up another specter that loomed on the horizon. He leaned forward, "There is one other thing you need to know about and be prepared for."

Qui-Gon could sense the Mi'al's seriousness. He took a breath and then asked, "What is it?"

"Hallucinogenic drugs can cause flashbacks."

"Flashbacks?"

"Yes. Suddenly and unexpectedly the brain will begin to act as if it is under the influence of the drug. All the effects of the drug on your mind will appear—including hallucinations."

Qui-Gon felt his stomach tighten at the thought of having to endure more hallucinations. "Why does this happen? 

"Something we are still researching. I can't tell you how long it will last…or even if it will happen to you. It may or may not, and there's no way of knowing. There's a lot we still don't know about how the brain functions."

The Jedi slumped back in the chair. The hope he'd felt when he came in to talk to Mi'al was slipping away with each more dire pronouncement from the healer.

"Master Qui-Gon, I'm sorry to be the bearer of so much somber news. However, it's best you understand what you are facing. I couldn't let you walk out that door unaware of what awaits you. I don't mean to be discouraging. However, as I told you earlier, you need not face this alone.

Qui-Gon wasn't sure if that made him feel better or not.

"What think you, Mi'al?" Yoda inquired.

"I think that Qui-Gon has made an important break through in his recovery."

"But much he has ahead of him?"

"Yes, Master Yoda."

"Confident you are of his recovery?"

"His eventual recovery? Yes. I have little doubt that if he continues to work at it, he will recover."

"But?" Yoda sensed the unvoiced doubt.

"This would be a hard road for anyone. For Qui-Gon I sense great difficulty."

"Explain."

"I understand his issues with trust. However, if he continues to seek healing on his own, it could present difficulties, even setbacks. He needs someone to guide him through this. His self-sufficiency makes is hard to get through."

"Always a rebel he has been. His own way he follows," Yoda sighed.

"Sorting through what happened while he was under Ruka's influence is something he can't do on his own. He requires a counselor to help him decipher reality from those hallucinations. Working through the residual emotional conflicts and flashbacks, if they happen, should be done under a counselor's direction."

"Told him this you have?"

"Of course, Master. He has agreed to that. However, I can't forget his excursion to Malastare. It worked out for the best, but…" Mi'al trailed off.

"So, worried you are."

"The human psyche is a fragile thing, Master."

"Talk with him I will," Yoda promised. "How fares the padawan?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't talked with him very much about all this."

"Make time you should. Find out you will how this affects him."

"Yes, Master Yoda."

"What can I do for you Mi'al?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Actually, it's what can I do for you. Please sit down." Mi'al sat and waited as the apprentice hesitated to take a seat.

"What do you mean?"

"I would like to know how you are dealing with Master Qui-Gon's struggle."

Clearly Obi-Wan was unsure what was expected of him. "Well…I…uh. It's hard to see him go through this. But why are you asking me this? Shouldn't you be more concerned with how he's doing?"

"I am concerned with how he's doing. However, I also know that a strong bond forms between padawan and master. What affects him affects you and vice versa…and the stronger the effect on him, the stronger the effect on you."

"Well…it has been hard to see him like this. He's always been so strong and self-assured. It…well, it hurts to see what this has reduced him to."

"You find yourself in the caretaker's role now?"

"Yes. Not so much now. But in the beginning…" Obi-Wan's eyes glazed over as he recalled the vivid memories. "He was so afraid and uncertain…like a child."

"Do you resent having to take a leading role? He is supposed to be the master, and now you are having to look after him."

"No, of course not," Obi-Wan snapped and then softer, "Why do you think I would resent him for what he can't help, what he didn't ask for?"

"Well…I didn't say that you did resent him. I just asked if you did. Have you lost respect for him?"

"Are you kidding? Even though it has been a hard fight for him, he hasn't shrunk from it. No, I respect him more for facing it. Why are you asking me all this?"

"Because this is a highly emotionally charged situation—for both of you. Qui-Gon is not the only victim in this. The bond you share makes you a victim as well. I want to make sure that you are not withholding anger or bitterness."

Obi-Wan started to quickly pass off the notion that there was a problem for him, but he remembered other battles he'd fought against anger…against Kelal and the Malastarian. He'd thought it was over when he had controlled his rage on Malastare, but now Mi'al was causing him to examine himself more carefully. The apprentice recalled both incidents to the healer. In detail, withholding nothing he poured out his heart to Mi'al.

"Hmmm…that sounds like quite a struggle you've had to face. Both times on your own, without Qui-Gon's help. And you've not had the opportunity to talk through this and work out your feelings in the matter."

"No, we have not completely. Master Qui-Gon and I have talked, but with all that has happened…" Obi-Wan trailed off.

"You and I will talk about it then. But it will have to be later. I am supposed to talk with your Master. He should be on his way here now. Let's talk tomorrow. This shouldn't go too long without being dealt with. Thank you for sharing it with me. Here, I'll walk out with you." Just as Obi-Wan and Mi'al came out of the door to his office, Qui-Gon was entering the office suite. He looked at his apprentice in surprise. 

"Good to see you, Qui-Gon. I am ready for you," Mi'al said.

"Oh, Mi'al, excuse me," Kiel, the other healer, stepped up. "Please forgive me, before you get started, may I ask you a question?"

"Of course, you don't mind do you, Qui-Gon? Why don't you go on in and have a seat?" As Mi'al turned to follow the other healer to another office, the Jedi master turned to Obi-Wan. "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Obi-Wan looked around the suite uncomfortably. "Let's step out in the hallway, Ok?"

Qui-Gon followed the apprentice into the corridor, "Now, what's wrong? Are you ill?"

"No, it's not like that at all. Mi'al wanted to know how I was doing that's all."

Qui-Gon was still confused. "I don't understand."

"He was wondering about how your struggle was affecting me—because of our bond."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose I should have been more sensitive to that myself."

"Well, it's not really an concern. It's difficult but nothing I can't handle. I think the anger issue is more of a problem for me."

"Anger?" Qui-Gon queried.

"Well, I guess I haven't told you yet about what happened on Malastare. It was very similar…too similar to what happened with Kelal."

"And you didn't think it important enough to bring it up with me?" The statement was more question than accusation.

"It's not that I didn't think it was important, Master. But you have been struggling against the after effects of that drug and…" the apprentice trailed off.

"And you, like everyone else, thinks I can't do my job. So you come to Mi'al instead." Qui-Gon's tone was disappointment, not anger.

"No, Master, it's not like that…"

"Oh, there you are," Mi'al interrupted. He could sense the awkwardness in the air. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No, nothing," Qui-Gon said. "Let's get started." He brushed past Mi'al. Obi-Wan walked away with his head down.

Even though it was obvious to the healer that a conflict had taken place, he waited to see if Qui-Gon would bring it up. "So how have you been doing?"

"Fine."

"Any nightmares, flashbacks?"

"No."

"Have you been working on recall?"

"Yes."

The one word answers screamed to Mi'al that all was not well. He sat back in his chair and asked, "What would you like to talk about this time?"

"You're the one in charge of this. You tell me what we should talk about."

"We should talk about what ever is uppermost in your mind." Silence. "Something is bothering you."

The Jedi stood and walked to the window…a gesture that had come to be a sure sign to Mi'al that something _was_ bothering him. He watched the traffic for a minute or two.

"Master Qui-Gon?"

He returned to his seat and slumped into it. "Obi-Wan tells me you and he were talking about this situation he faced with the Malastarian."

"Yes, we were. A hard thing to face."

"I'm sure."

Mi'al watched Qui-Gon for a moment. This was getting them nowhere. He decided to take the bantha by the horns. Leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees he said, "Something bothers you about this…and I have a feeling that it's more than just Obi-Wan being tempted to give in to his anger."

Qui-Gon shifted in the chair and struggled with how to answer the question. He didn't want to admit to himself what was bugging him…he sure didn't want to have to vocalize it.

"Qui-Gon," Mi'al began softy. "Until you have recovered your emotional control more completely, we need to work through the things that are bothering you. Holding them in while you are still having so much trouble sorting them out doesn't help; it just adds to the problem."

"That is the whole problem," Qui-Gon retorted in frustration. "I am tired of being treated as if I am helpless. It's bad enough for you to treat me like that…but when my own apprentice starts, then…it's too much." Qui-Gon looked away.

"You have this all wrong. I don't think of you as helpless. Not at all. You are a very strong person—not just physically but emotionally as well. And that is the problem. Your battle is against the emotional damage this ordeal has left. However, you are so used to being in complete control of your feelings that you are unequipped to handle your emotions being out of control." Mi'al paused a moment to let his words sink in. "I don't see you as helpless. I see you as a victim…one who has no weapons for his fight." He knew he was already treading delicate territory, but this had to be said. "The business with Xanatos was the original scar…what led you to bury your feelings instead of learning to deal with them. You have opened up some since then, especially since you finally decided to take another padawan. However, you have never completely dealt with that situation. You are still carrying it around inside…bound up in cords of denial and ropes of mental shields. The drug that Ruka forced on you has torn all that away. For the first time in years you are left without your defenses and open to raw emotions. It isn't the emotions that are your problem. You are a living, breathing, _feeling_ being. We come equipped with emotions. Your problem is in trying to escape dealing with something that people _have _to face…everyday of their lives." Mi'al had said more than a mouthful and sat back in his chair to see the effect of his speech, and to give the Jedi a chance to comment, condemn or question—whatever he saw fit. When Qui-Gon was slow to respond, Mi'al added as an afterthought, "The reason Obi-Wan hasn't told you about what happened on Malastare it because he knows, better than you do I think, what you are struggling with. Even though he really desires to talk with you about it, he also hesitates to add to the burden you have just now."

"But that is what I'm here for. That's part of what the master does for the apprentice." A pause. "All you say is true, I can't deny it. But I feel even worse with everyone tiptoeing around me like they think I'm about to lose it. Yes, I need to face all this, but I also need something to take my mind off it. I do need breaks from thinking about it. I need something to make me feel useful. Being put on the shelf like this does not make me feel good about myself. I need an achievement—something that I can succeed at while I am dealing with my…inability to face the emotional issues."

"I appreciate that, Master Qui-Gon. Also though, I think you can see the opposite side of that. While you are still struggling, you are not in a position to take on an assignment that may further tax your emotional state. I agree, you need something to keep you busy, but returning to your duties just now is not the answer."

"I understand, Mi'al. What can I do then?"

"I think that this is a good opportunity for master and apprentice to help each other," Mi'al smiled.

"Hmm?"

"You have some healing to do and so does Obi-Wan. And I think the entire ordeal has also affected the relationship between you two. I think what you can accomplish right now is to help Obi-Wan…and I think there are things he could help you with."

The following day found Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice waiting to speak with Mi'al. Both were visible unsettled. A new feeling for them both, to be uncomfortable with each other. _Yes, things have changed between us_ Qui-Gon thought ruefully.

"Please come in." Mi'al ushered master and padawan into his office. Without preamble, he launched directly into the discussion since he knew it would probably be a long one. "Qui-Gon, we are familiar with the story of what happened with Xanatos. Even though the entire episode, no doubt, is a scar, I imagine his initial betrayal is what affected you the most. After that you already knew he was not to be trusted. Am I correct in that assumption?"

"Yes," the Jedi answered simply.

"This caused you to hesitate for some time to take on a new padawan." Now he looked at Obi-Wan who instantly became uncomfortable. "You were reluctant to accept Obi-Wan, why?"

Qui-Gon shifted in his seat and averted his eyes. "It was hard enough to trust after…Xanatos." He pulled at his close cropped beard as he considered his words. "Obi-Wan had a lot of anger…"

"Much as you do now?" Mi'al interrupted.

The question took Qui-Gon aback. "Well…I suppose I do have…some anger."

Mi'al sighed, "The only way you are going to help yourself is to be honest."

"Ok, Ok," Qui-Gon took his usual place at the window and looked out at his reminder that there was a world beyond his struggle. "Yes," he said softly. "I do have…a lot of anger."

Turning his chair to watch Qui-Gon, he asked, "At whom?"

"Ruka, of course."

"And?"

The Jedi turned from the window. "Who else would I be angry at?" he asked puzzled.

"You have become so reluctant to face your emotions that you will not search them. Isn't that what you, as a Jedi, are supposed to do? You know whom else you are angry at. You just haven't sought it out."

"Well, Methone also. He _is_ the one who hired Ruka to devise these things."

Mi'al nodded and continued to watch the Jedi. Qui-Gon knew that he was waiting on another answer so he reluctantly touched that part of his mind that he had been avoiding for so long. So many memories, so much hurt and anger there. Still he avoided searching it too deeply. "There were many involved, Ruka's assistants, some other Malastarians."

Seeing that he wasn't getting the answer he wanted, Mi'al provided it. "Isn't it true that you are angry at yourself as well?"

"What?" Qui-Gon responded in disbelief. "Why would I be angry at myself? I didn't ask for this or cause it."

"But don't you blame yourself for being careless, not being mindful enough? If you had been more in touch with the Force this wouldn't have happened. You were so certain of what you were doing that you let your guard drop for a moment and you didn't sense the Klastarian coming up behind you."

"Wait a minute," Obi-Wan interjected. "That's not right and it's not fair. You may be a Jedi, but you are a healer, not a knight. You have not been trained the way we have. Yes, you can know things through the Force, but you can't know everything—because you are not able to process everything. You have to pick and choose what to focus on and what to let go of."

"I know that. But he won't accept that. He won't accept that he is not infallible," Mi'al was deliberately inflaming both Jedi in the hope of forcing them to confront things they had been unwilling to face. "Besides, why are you defending him? He's angry at you too."

The padawan's eyes went wide at this and Qui-Gon's mouth fell open. Obi-Wan turned to face his master who was looking at the floor.

"Master, is it true?"

"I guess I'm upset that you didn't share with me your own struggle with anger. It's true that I've had my own battles recently, still I am your master."

"No," Mi'al interjected. "That's not what I am talking about. You do have that issue, but there's another." Qui-Gon stared at the healer in bewilderment. "You know what I'm talking about. Search your feelings. Do it. You know what I'm talking about."

Qui-Gon turned away and looked back out the window. Still afraid to delve too far into the pain he was fighting, he refused to probe any deeper into his feelings. Obi-Wan came up behind and asked in a tight voice, "Master, please, I need to know."

The Jedi walked away from him to the opposite corner of the room. He studied the pattern of the floor covering as if the answer lay there. Anything to occupy his mind…to keep it from looking back at the incident on Malastare.

"Qui-Gon," Mi'al prompted. "I know it's painful. But you _have_ to do this. If you truly want to be healed, you _must_ do this."

Qui-Gon was fighting inside. The battle threatened to tear him apart. Finally, to be rid of the tension that was mounting to the point of being unable to contain, he blurted out, "NO! No! It's not Obi-Wan's fault. He did everything he could do. He was trying to find me." He rushed toward Mi'al's chair and almost snarled, "He is the one who rescued me from Ruka's clutches. I have no reason to be mad at him." The Jedi slumped into his chair and buried his head in his hands.

Obi-Wan had watched all this with astonishment carved into the furrows and lines of his face. Why would Qui-Gon be mad at him? He _had_ done everything he could to find his master. What had he left undone? Why would Qui-Gon blame him? He had to know. Slowly he knelt at Qui-Gon's elbow. "Master, please, what have I done?"

Totally undone, Qui-Gon could hold nothing back. "You should have been able to find me. Why didn't you come? Do you know how horrible it was to go through that? Do you know how much that has messed me up? Look at me, the mighty master is an emotional wreck," sarcasm dripped from his voice. Finally he looked at the apprentice. "Why didn't you come? I thought I could trust you. I thought…that…you were different from…Xanatos."

The words cut Obi-Wan like a light saber through his gut. He could sense the anger and disappointment that Qui-Gon felt toward him. "Master, I did look for you. I tried to contact you through the Force. I could see what you were going through…I could feel it. I _know_. But…but…all I could get through the Force was confusion, pain, nonsense. I had to use the Force itself rather than our link through it. Don't you see? All I could get from you was what you were experiencing. I _know_ it was painful. I came as soon as I could. I…" Obi-Wan broke off as a tear flowed down the curve of his cheek.

Qui-Gon reached over and gently wiped the tear away as he touched Obi-Wan's feelings and made them his own. "I'm sorry, Padawan. So sorry. I didn't know what you were going through. Can you forgive me?"

"Master, if I could have gotten to you sooner…" Obi-Wan began.

"Shh," Qui-Gon interrupted. "I know, I know."

"They both have a way to go to rid themselves of their anger and to heal," Mi'al said.

"So much anger is there?" Yoda asked.

"Obi-Wan still has lingering anger to deal with from his two episodes…and the residual guilt. He has finally, albeit reluctantly, admitted that even though he knows Qui-Gon was not in a position to help him, he still resents having to face these trials on his own."

"And Qui-Gon?"

"His was the greater suffering and he has buried much anger and bitterness—most of it directed toward the Klastarian."

"Hmm," Yoda muttered. "A sad episode this is."

"Yes, but I foresee a happy ending."

"Think you that complete healing is in reach for them both?"

"Oh, yes, Master Yoda. It may take time, but it is there. Now that we have finally broken through Qui-Gon's barrier to his feelings, I feel confident that both can come to grips with what has happened."

"And what of the master-padawan bond?"

"I think at the end of this, that bond will be a stronger bond. Iron sharpens iron, Master. They will help each other. Each will be stronger for it…and so will their bond."

"Strength tribulation builds."

"Yes, Master Yoda."

"Continue on medical leave should they?"

"I think they have been idle too long. Both men need a task to keep them occupied. A simple one…one that will not tax them emotionally too much just now. They need to feel useful. We will have to monitor them as they learn to deal with their anger, but I think it's time for them to start being productive again. To do otherwise would be to add to their struggle."

"Your advice I will accept, Mi'al. An assignment they will be given."

Sequel to follow—"Revenge"

Acknowledgment: For a friend who wishes to remain anonymous for psychological advice—for the story, not me.


End file.
